Hitler = Sphincter, A Story

“So I fucked Hitler. Yeah, you heard me. I fucked Hitler, right in the arse.

You should have seen his puckered anus, that perfect Aryan starfish, a marvel of pure breeding, complete with its own shit-stained moustache…  

But that's not why I called you all here. The truth is that on the same day I discovered Time Travel I also decided to use the power of Parallel Dimensions to go and fuck every villain in human history.
From Pol Pot to Ming the Merciless, I vowed to have my way with them all.

So, yeah.

Yeah, I fucked Hitler.

I pounded Genghis Khan, slammed Stalin, ruined Judas, mauled Mussolini. Reamed them all.  

I've penetrated my way through distant worlds and, yet, a single challenge still remains, taunting me.

That's why you're here. I need your help. My slave trading cousins will be back soon, and I've run out of options. Fingers, you be the eyes. And Eyes, you be the legs. Okay. Gather around me everyone. This is it. We need to be team. A family. Everybody, put in your hands. Except for you, Hands. You put in your feet. Ok. 

Now, when they come in they’ll be so distracted by this big pile of limbs that they'll forget about the 300 Quoologs we owe them. Shut it Lips, it's mostly your fault anyway! Fingers, stop touching Sphincter. What's that Fingers? What's that you're pointing at? Is that?
Good lord! * Choke *
You're right!
 I'd recognise that shit stained mo' anywhere!
C'mon Dicks! Let's fuck some Nazi arse!”